So who am I?

The title of my blog page is, “I am supposed to be who?” I thought I might use one of my blog weeks to explain this. See, I have always struggled with the fear of just being myself. I mean, honestly, myself has never felt like enough to me. For years, I did not smile because of my teeth, I did not laugh out loud because I didn’t like the sound, and I was terrified to be silly in public, even with my own children.

I begged God to help me find freedom to be me, but it didn’t come until I was ready to let my guard down and allow who I really was to come out. I can remember sitting in prayer one Saturday evening and asking God to bring freedom in my emotions, to help me laugh, cry, be silly, be loud. I heard Him ask me if I truly meant it. I though, well am asking aren’t I? But, looking back, I know God knew that I didn’t understand what that would mean. So I said yes, I really mean it. I want the freedom to show my true self in public. That began a journey that I’m not sure I would have chosen had I know what I was in store for. Not only did my emotions go completely crazy, I felt I could no longer shut them off as needed. So one day I spent 2 hours crying at work over a fight with my daughter. 2 hours of tears while helping patients in the office of the chiropractor I worked for. Try explaining that, “No, nothing’s wrong, had a rough morning and can’t seem to calm down yet…” Then my family decided to take a Nazarite vow, to truly seek direction for the next step of our lives (we were in a transition time). This meant no hair cuts, no hair dye and no make-up for me. Remember, I was scared to be myself so presenting myself with no make-up and emotions all over me was terrifying. I would wake up and physically struggle to leave the house without having it all together. But that was the point right? Having it all together was an act, a show. The real me is messy. 

The real me gets mad too quickly, laughs too loud, and is easily wounded. The real me likes dancing badly, singing about nothing and competing even though I normally lose. The real me is horribly and terribly wonderful. And after a 9-month period of truly seeking freedom, with no make-up, hair in a messy ponytail and emotions gushing everywhere, somehow, I found myself. Do I still tone myself down a bit around new people or in uncomfortable situations? sure! But I don’t hide who I am anymore, and I don’t talk behind my husband anymore hoping not to get noticed. This transistor happened 4 years ago, and parts of me still struggled to be fully me. I still wore makeup if I was going to be around new people, like somehow that determined if they would like me or not. 

Last year, at annual conference I attended the whole conference without makeup. Didn’t even pack it. I could lie and say that was easy, but with all the other pastors and pastor’s wives who seem to have it all together, I nearly panicked that first morning getting ready with no makeup to put on, no proof that I had it all together, and that’s ok, because I don’t. And I’m daily learning to walk in the imperfect mess my life can be and enjoy every glorious minute of it.